This is the manuscript as it was submitted to a New York publisher. It arrived in a brown paper wrapper tied with string and wrapped in Scotch tape. It was soggy and battered, and the return address and half the cover letter were missing. For this reason, we did not know who the author actually was An extensive search has convinced us that the name Michelangelo Schwartz is a nom de plume meant to shield him from the wrath of his friends and colleagues. And make no mistake about it, wrath there will be. Join us for a roller coaster ride across American higher education that takes us from the top graduate schools to an online university whose motto is Welcome to a college that has no class. Meet Dr. Michelangelo Schwartz, a drunken and philandering Dante scholar who descends into the same circles of hell he bored his students with. Meet Sister Bill, the dean of discipline at a Catholic womens college. The good sister carries a metal rulerand is not afraid to use it. Meet Jim Bob Rules, president of Lee Harvey Oswald Community College in Sheets, Texas, who only has the job because his father-in-law is chairman of the board. Meet Senator Brandon Stubblefield, who wants to clean up higher educationthat is, until he finds himself in a sticky situation.If you ever wondered why so many people are mad at higher education, wonder no more. Enjoy your stay at The University of Last Resort.