Kelly Oxford is . . .A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-oldsNot the queen of the worldAn underage schnitzel-house dishwasherThe kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rushA born salesmanCapable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one timeTotally an expert on strep throatIncapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriendA writerA certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." —Bea, age fourNot above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." —Roger EbertSad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falconA terrible liar